Retired. . . .just trying to figure it all out. . .

So, I had little traffic on my education blog, (the entries remain up for the curious).  But that seems to be par for the course.  I have come to the end of my teaching career, and am just trying to figure it all out.

Okay, so when someone says your days are numbered, they really don’t mean they know that number, but in some cases, some rare and extreme cases you do know.  Well, how?  How could you know, unless you have made that decision? That once in a lifetime one, that you will take that power away from God. Essentially play God. I was asked once, have you thought about it?  Yes, I have, but it is not really an option.  That is too easy.  What purpose would that be? To what end?  We each do have a purpose, and like right now, I don’t have a clue as to what my purpose could be.  I am rudderless.  

So, introspection is in order.  I have done lots of introspection, and I am coming up short in the column of good, more in the column of mediocre. How do I balance it out?  I am tired of apologizing.  I did the best I could with what I had. I earnestly tried to be better at what I invested my life in doing.  Why couldn’t someone have said, you are doing a great job?  Why can we only see the negatives? I think I had friends. I thought a lot of things, not all of them pleasant not all of them accurate, not all of them beneficial. I would like to turn things around, but it is a struggle.  Is this how it really feels?  To be broken? 

I became broken on December 7 last year, appropriately Pearl Harbor Day.  I received a diagnosis, (chronic and no cure) which has consumed me, which had crippled me from continuing my career.  I made the decision to leave my career.  So, I essentially aborted my identity.  I think this is why people who retire die shortly after retirement.  They no longer see a purpose for living.  I can understand that now.  So I am struggling with finding a purpose.  Since I have broken, I have lost my confidence, my self-assurance, and my tenacity. Basically a shell of the person I was once. Where do I do to find her again?  Will I find her or find someone else who used to be her?

I have tried to come up with some things to occupy my time.  I am not having much success.  I could volunteer at some place, but I can’t be depended upon by others to not hurt, to not be in pain, to be able to volunteer.  I have lost confidence in my driving skills so my volunteering has to be close to me.  I don’t drive at night anymore, so it has to be during daylight hours.  I have limits and I think they are shutting me down.  I do not wish to be in a stressful situation which would cause my disability to worsen.  I do not know if there is anyone I can help.

I am just trying to figure it all out.